What on earth can I say? I just feel so sad. I just can't believe that she's really gone. I was there when she died. I was there at the viewing and the funeral, but I have an overwhelming feeling like she still at the hospital. Like if I go back to the chest pain ER, she'd still be there! That's got to be weird. I know it has to do with how suddenly and unexpectedly she died. But it feel so unreasonable to me to want to go back there, to feel like she would still be there. I feel so confused. It's the last day of November. Tomorrow it will be December. I feel like I'm being dragged kicking and screaming into Christmas. I would have been so happy this year, to be doing our usual traditions as a new bride. But what can I do now. I can try to content myself with knowing that my Mom is spending her first Christmas in 42 years with my Dad, but that doesn't help me with the empty feeling I have without her here with me now. Without both of them. And still the little girl voice in in back of my head wants to scream "She can't be dead!" I can be in a crowded noisy room and feel all alone and disconnected to every one.