I dreamed that I went to her house to work on cleaning it out, and she was still there. I think in the dream she was moving, or would be moving soon to a senior apartment near us. (She would have hated that!). I was taking things that were mine and thinning her things out, but making sure that she had everything she needed. I left the aluminium measuring spoon set that I wanted to take with me. All of the dream is a jumble of what I was planning to do today. There are things I wanted to pick up from the house, winter coats that I would like to use myself, the measuring spoons that would have come in handy for making pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving, a couple more books, odds and ends of mine and hers that I would like to have with me. The least surprising bit of the dream is that she was still there at the house. A book I'm reading ("Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart", by Alan D Wolfelt, PH.D.) mentions making a list of what I used to think it would be like after my Mom died, vs what it really is like. But that is just it. I had no idea or consideration that she would die. Unrealistic as that may sound, she has always been there for me. After my father died when I was a child my Mom and I spent so much time together.And she was healthy and active at 76. I thought we would have at least 10, 15 maybe even 20 more years together. To have her die so suddenly and unexpectedly like that makes it feel unreal. I can't find the words to convey how enormously sad and devastated I feel.

I write these words and post them in this Blog like that might matter, or change things, or even be important. But they are nothing. They don't even scratch the surface of what I feel, or mean anything to anyone else by me. Maybe I just want to leave words like markers to show me where I've been on this journey of grief and mourning. Maybe the idea of posting this helps me in some way. I have no idea if it really does, that will be something I can decide later.